Hope this story encourage people out there whom in this phase. There is a hope. Just keep going. We can help you not because we are smarter but because we have been there.
After having couple client, i realize true love is exist. I saw by my own how a Man still beside a Dementia Client whom didn't remember about him. But he never give up on her and shower unconditional love. That's what makes The Client recovery faster.
* Until we have chosen to heal , we are all just children running around acting and reacting from our core wounds
* When you shut down emotion, you are also affecting your immune system, your nervous system. So the repression of emotion, which is a survival strategy, then becomes a source of psychological illness later on by Gabor Mate
* Saying "I'm sorry" is common for an empath. It's a defense mechanism to remain emotionally and perhaps physically safe. Narc blame their partners for everything so the empath resorts to excessive apologizing as an anxious way to coping and preventing more abuse. Ironically, Narc never apologizes.
* Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know until you lived through it. Honor your path. Trust your journey. Learn, grow, evolve, become.
* Healing is NOT an overnight process. It takes time. Sometime you'll feel like you're finally over something and happy again, & the wound will reopen. Don't give up, dont get discouraged. Take each day 1 step at a time. Just try to be in a better place mentally than you were yesterday.
As PTSD Survivor, i build the highest wall toward opposite sex. So all man whom try to love me will fail to climb that wall. Because too high and tiring.
Unfortunately, you need love as part of healing recovery path.
In this journey, i lose some best friends whom mad with me just because i didn't listen to them. That's why, i hide this. From my family and best friends. Sometimes, you need to focus between two parties. Outsider never understand you.
I have conservative side which is lead me to be found by LOVE. It contribute color to my life. I never mixed love and work as well. I choose to be involved with someone outside my inner circle. Before the Man told me, i never think there is something between us. It protect a heart in certain way.
There are Angels in my life whom intesively become my live path. I keep myself busy , sometime love find me even it didn't work. Whom written is the one who can enter my wall and can handle me.
1992 - My first love. I like to push him away and connect him with other who like him. He try the best to care and protect me. When finally, my Dad find out that his junior high school daughter involved with 9 years older makes him want to meet up. Their private discussion open up about how he was also my number 2 big brother fitness friend , my number 4 big brother senior high school friend and the worst one is current my number 5 big brother college friend. One day, my Dad set up table meeting together with my brothers. He bombard me about how it's gonna hurt me in the end. My big brother support him as well. Suddenly all pressure makes me do the most worst thing , push him away by do things he hate to protect him from them so it will easier for us to move forward with our lives. The Challenge not only from the family but from friends as well. He try to fit in, me too. Both of us heartbroken. He is who worried about me send his best friend also his youngest sister to accompany me. He also said the good thing about my Dad. He try not to make my family relationship broken. He also want to protect me as long as he live as my Dad request but i know he lie. He protect my feelings as he know that i love my Dad so much. That's why i move to other city. My Dad know well this feeling. His Dad too, we ever had conversation on the phone. But his younger sister stay being my best friend. We never talk much until few days before Dad passed away. He's hurt when he lose me and he try to be the best Dad he could ever be.
Being single again mean you gain your freedom. So, during these phase , hard for you to enter serious relationship and ready to be under authority. So , my coping was i enter non commitment aka homeless love which contribute my growth and pain at the same time.
2007 - Pure Love. I never thought that my best friend will fall for me. He persistence to show his care and support when i need shoulder to cry on. Until one day, he confess his feeling toward me. After 4 years since 2003, finally i fall for him as my comfort zone. Because this is homeless love. The hardest part was, i feel responsible to undo his feeling to me to protect both parties heart. We did and we fail. The same uncut path. Honestly, i never thought that man like him exist. No Man can beat his shadow. I still remind my Best Friend comment "Both of you do the right thing and need strong person who had high self control to do that". It encouraging me not to stop try to open my heart. Homeless love.
2009 - He saw me several times. I love to spend my day in WTC Sudirman after ride by my friend whom work in Royal Brunei Airlines. I sit and read a book, he smile then i smile back. After several times, one day i enter starbucks and he call me. He work in France embassy and an introvert person. He give me his name card and ask me to have dinner. Then he call his Mom and his family in France. Suddenly, i'm not interested because he's cold. Another homeless love.
2014 - My Best Friend introduce us. Everything seem well. Many similarities. Intense conversation between us cheer up my day as he looking for a wife and serious relationship. Unfortunately, sometime we heard unnecessary news. It cause missunderstanding and missperception. I don't like to give false hope. Because of the burden and no permission to go from my Auntie then i step back and straight forward. He said he will wait if i change my mind. But my mind never change. Especially after i fall in love with Estonia.
2017 - I lost my swarovski given by my best friend. So i'm going back to the restaurant near the hotel and talk. Unfortunately nobody understand english. This man come a long and help me to translate. Then i found the bracelet. He ask me to go out. Then we go out. He was the most calm and steady. I change a lot since i meet him. He save me in every way that a person can be saved. Less workaholic , learn to be more slower than before. Another homeless love. Too many challenges to passed.
So, i spend 2018 to work on all unresolved issue and wound to prepare me. This time , i'm ready.
Message is never give and keep upgrade yourself. When the time come, you will attract the dream person come into your life. Never lower your standard otherwise it will burn you as most of insecure people do bad things to their life partner.